Most people may not know this, but I’m an NLP—Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner—as well. What is NLP? It encompasses the three most influential components involved in producing human experience: neurology, language and programming. Most times we see people behave in such a way that we can’t really understand. In this article, I will explain some patterns in the way you can and may understand how some people think and behave.
Patterns give you the tools to make crucial distinctions in deciding how to deal with people. Become a student of possibility. Constantly gauge and calibrate the people around you. Take note of specific behaviours they have for perceiving the world and begin to analyse if others have similar patterns. Through this approach, you can develop a whole set of distinctions about people that can empower you in knowing how to communicate effectively with all types of people, and not being stressed out by others’ behavioural patterns. Carl Jung said it with brilliance: “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
So now, let us examine some patterns and behaviour.
All human behaviour revolves around the urge to gain pleasure or avoid pain. You pull away from a lighting candle in order to avoid the pain of burning your hand. You sit and watch a beautiful sunset because you get pleasure from the glorious show as day slides into night.
If you ever give a compliment and it seems like somebody doesn’t believe you, it might be because they are using an internal frame of reference. For example, do you believe more in how you rate your own performance, or do you look to feedback from others for justification? Ask someone else how they know when they have done a good job. For some people, the proof comes from the outside—the boss pats you on the back and says your work was great, you get a raise, you win a big award or your work is noticed and applauded by your peers. When you get that sort of external approval, you know your work is good. That is an external frame of reference. For others, the proof comes from inside. They ‘just know inside’ when they have done well.
Whenever you enter into any type of relationship, do you first think about what is in it for you, or do you think about what is in it for others? Some people look at human interactions primarily in terms of what is in it for them personally, some in terms of what they can do for themselves or others. Of course, people do not always fall into one extreme or the other. If you sort only by self, you become a self-absorbed egotist. If you sort only by others, you become celebrated.
If you ever find somebody that always seems to have to disagree with you, now you know why. This pattern determines how you sort information to learn and understand. Some people respond to the world by finding similarities, they look at things and see what they have in common—they’re matchers. Other people are mis-matchers. There are two kinds of them; one type looks at the world and sees how things are different and the other kind of mis-matchers see differences with certain exceptions.
The convincing pattern involves what it takes to convince someone of something. The convincer strategy has two parts. To figure out what consistently convinces someone, you must first find out what sensory building blocks he needs to become convinced, and then you must discover how often he has to receive these stimuli before becoming convinced.
You might know some people that are minimalists or you might be a minimalist yourself and focus on just what you need. On the other hand, you might be a seeker and you are always looking to expand your opportunities and possibilities. Ask someone why he went to work for his present company or why he bought his current car or house. Some people are motivated primarily by necessity, rather than by what they want. They do something because they must. They are not pulled to take action by what is possible. They are not looking for infinite varieties of experience. They go through life taking what comes and what is available. When they need a new job, new house, new car or even a new spouse, they go out and accept what is available. Others are motivated to look for possibilities. They are motivated less by what they have to do than by what they want to do. They seek options, experiences, choices and paths.
Working styles vary, and by understanding this pattern, you can figure out where your most enjoyable work environments would be. Everyone has their own working strategy, some people are not happy unless they are independent and others function best as part of a group. Independent workers have great difficulty working closely with other people and cannot work well under a great deal of supervision; they have to run their own show. Group workers maintain a strategy that we call cooperative. They want to share responsibility for any task they take on. Still, others have a proximity strategy, which is somewhere in between. They prefer to work with other people while maintaining a sole responsibility for a task. They are in charge but not alone.
Do not make the mistake of confusing yourself with your behaviours or doing the same thing with someone else. You may say, “I know Joe. He does this, and that.” Well, reality is, you do not know Joe. You know him through his behaviours but, he is not his behaviours any more than you are yours. If you are someone who tends to move away from everything, maybe that is your pattern of behaviour and if you do not like it, you can change it. In fact, there is no excuse for you not to change. You have the power now. The only question is whether you have enough reasons to make yourself use what you know.
Behavioural patterns can be useful on two levels. The first is as a tool to calibrate and guide our communication with others. Just as a person’s body language will tell you countless stories about them, their behavioural patterns will speak eloquently about what motivates them and frighten them off. The second is as a tool for personal change. Remember, you are not your behaviours. If you tend to run any kind of pattern that works against you, all you have to do is change it. Patterns offer one of the most useful tools for personal calibration and change. They provide keys to some of the most useful communication tools available.