Fayola K J Fraser
Single fatherhood is a unique and challenging experience that requires immense dedication, resilience, and adaptability. Unlike traditional family structures, single fathers take on the dual roles of both caregiver and provider, often navigating the complexities of parenting without a partner.
This journey can be profoundly rewarding, as it fosters a deep bond between father and child, built on mutual trust, respect, and unconditional love. However, it also comes with its challenges, including the pressures of societal expectations, financial difficulties, and the emotional demands of raising children alone.
Despite these challenges, many single fathers thrive by building strong support networks and utilising available resources.
In T&T, one such resource, the Single Fathers Association of Trinidad and Tobago, now called the Fathers Association of Trinidad and Tobago, is led by Rhondall Feeles. Feeles, who has raised his son as a single father, conceptualised this organisation to fight for fathers over a decade ago.
Thrust in the Family Court to fight for the right to see his son when the child was four years old, he was restricted access to him, save for four days per month. “I broke down in tears in the courtroom,” Feeles recalled. “I grew up with a single mom. I knew the value of fatherhood and wanted to give that to my child.”
Thus, the association was born, and Feeles used his platform and the media to highlight issues of single fathers. By the time his son was eight, he agreed with his son’s mother that he would take him every other week instead of four days a month.
That arrangement continued until his son was older, and his mother left the country to pursue further education, meaning that Feeles took over full-time care.
“Fatherhood is losing its value, I’ve heard so many women say they don’t need a man in their life to raise a child.”
While this may be true in some contexts, Feeles strongly believes that not having powerful male mentorship leaves young men vulnerable to “the neighbourhood gang leader,” who may seem to have nice cars and big money, enticing them to come under his wing.
He also believes in the importance of a father figure for young girls, as to girls. “Daddy is love, comfort, safety, and security. It helps them learn from early how they should be treated by the opposite sex and builds their sense of self-worth and understanding of healthy male-female relationships.”
One such dad, a member of the association, and a single father, who takes raising smart, kind and strong young women very seriously, is Keston Etienne. Since his twin daughters, Shantai and Sheimia were three-and-a-half years old, Etienne has raised them primarily on his own. Now 13 years old, and growing beautifully into talented and well-spoken young women, his girls attend Bishop’s Centenary and are in Form 2. Although twins, according to Etienne, “they are very different. One is serious and will defend you (Shantai) and the other is like a mother, nurturing (Sheimia).”
Thrust into raising his daughters on his own, Etienne had to learn quickly on the job. He grew up in a completely different context, with both his parents, and his father had seven boys.
“My father was a tough man, he only had boys and I have in total, four girls. He had to be tough and rough, I had to learn to be gentle and soft.”
He, however, does not coddle his daughters or shield them from the information they need to make informed decisions. “I’ve instilled values of discipline, manners, respect, loyalty and courteousness in them,” he says. “That is to make sure that when they encounter people, people already know what they’re about.”
In disbelief that it has already been ten years of raising his daughters on his own, he acknowledged the importance of having a strong support system and village around them. He made sure that his daughters had mother figures they could look up to, aunts and cousins who he could also lean on if he needed advice or counsel on certain aspects of raising young women.
For example, as the girls have entered puberty, Etienne has made it a priority to be respectful and understanding of them and educate himself about the different experiences that they are having.
He has enrolled them in the Entoto Foundation, a community development programme based in La Puerta Government Primary School in Diego Martin, a holistic programme, where the girls have positive role models, learn manners, respect for their elders and discipline, along with dancing, drums, steelpan, table tennis and cricket. One of the twins has recently taken up crocheting, with which her dad supports her by buying all the yarn she needs, and she gleams with joy showing off her beautiful pieces. “Twins? It’s not an easy road,” Etienne laughs. “But I wouldn’t give it up for nothing.” Describing the unique experience of having twins, he said that everything has to be bought in pairs, and as they have developed their own likes and dislikes, he often has to stop in two food places to satisfy each daughter.
He advised fathers who are raising children with or without a partner to “do the best you can and nothing less. Leave yourself out, make them feel the support, give them confidence and inspiration wholeheartedly.”
He emphasised that men who try to run from doing the right thing often end up getting a serious reality check at some point. Shantai and Sheimia adore their dad, both describing him as “strong-willed and hard-working, he loves to give and help. It’s fun being with dad.”
Etienne sees them as future scholarship winners, both with the ability, intelligence and mindset required to achieve excellence in their education. And he is there to support them all the way.
As for what he wants for Father’s Day? He smiles, and signals to his daughters, “Jah done bless me with everything I need.”