BC Pires

The Book of Ken­rick Part XVI­II

My Un­cle God­frey–God the Un­cle–in 2011 called me to sum up the Bible in the voice of Ken­rick, the kind of tess who storms the par­ty but un­fail­ing­ly ends up sit­ting at the host's right hand at the head ta­ble. Un­cle God has asked me to speed up these in­stal­ments, be­cause he gave me the idea and couldn't bear the irony if I were not to fin­ish Gen­e­sis.

I chose the King James as the most wide­ly ac­cept­ed ver­sion of the Word of God (even if it was ac­tu­al­ly agreed up­on by British civ­il ser­vants work­ing for a prob­a­bly ho­mo­sex­u­al monarch 1611 years af­ter God first trou­bled Him­self to speak).

These Ken­rick columns are not an as­per­sion on the Bible but a cel­e­bra­tion of our own voice, as any sin­ner worth his re­demp­tion in Pur­ga­to­ry ought to dis­cern. Last day, Ja­cob had left his Un­cle La­ban the Syr­i­an with two of La­ban's daugh­ters as his wives, plus two sket­tel hand­maid­ens, who had pro­duced two each of Ja­cob's 11 sons.

The Eigh­teenth Bit of the First Book of BC, called Ken­rick

The Book of Broth­er­ly Rec­on­cil­i­a­tion, called Pay­off

(A Sum­ma­tion of Gen­e­sis Chap­ters 32 & 33)

And Ja­cob send mes­sen­ger ahead to car­ry sto­ry for he broth­er, Esau, which was head of the fam­i­ly, be­caw he did out­smart Ja­cob twice, first tak­ing Ja­cob birthright for a mess of por­ridge and, sec­ond, get­ting they fa­ther, Isaac, bless­ing through a hairy goat hide. And Ja­cob tell he ser­vants to tell Esau that he have re­al ox and ass and flock and thing, and manser­vant and woman-ser­vant, too be­sides, and is so Ja­cob hop­ing to grease his way in­to grace in Esau sight.

And the mes­sen­gers come back and tell Ja­cob Esau com­ing for him with 400 men. And Ja­cob friten to the point of ji­jjiery. And he di­vide all them ox and ass he did wran­gle out of Un­cle Fa­ther-in-Law La­ban in­to two bands, and send one in front the oth­er, should in case Esau smite the first one, Ja­cob would still have the sec­ond one leave back, like how man trav­el­ling in bad area does put all they five and ten dullers-bills in they pock­et and they blue notes in they socks, should in case the maxi get ban­dit.

And Ja­cob pray to the God of his fa­thers Abra­ham and Isaac, though he did prob­a­bly mean he grand­fa­ther, Abra­ham. (That is a next Bible mis­take we has to pre­sume God-self en­dorse, via King James.) And he beg God to be de­liv­ered from his broth­er, and he re­mind the ser­vant and them to tell Esau it have plen­ty more cat­tles com­ing be­hind, and per­ad­ven­ture Esau mightn't skulls him out of the back­up herds.

And Ja­cob send his two wife, and his two hand-job-maid­ens, and his 11 sons over the ford Jab­bok, which sound like a alien-char­ac­ter from Star Wars, but was re­al­ly a riv­er, and Ja­cob stop there by he one.And was left alone; and there wres­tled a man with him un­til the break­ing of the day. And when the man see he can't wres­tle Ja­cob, he touch the hol­low of Ja­cob thigh, which sound like per­haps God wasn't so an­ti-ho­mo af­ter all, be­caw Ja­cob and the man wres­tle and touch hol­low of thigh and thing whole night on to day break.

And Ja­cob tell the man he go­ing and hold on to him un­til the man bless him. (Ja­cob, like he did still feel­ing a how from when Esau take Isaac bless­ing from him, nuh.) And the man say that, from now on, Ja­cob name is not Ja­cob but Is­rael, be­caw he was a prince and had pow­er with God and with men, and hast pre­vailed. And Ja­cob/Is­rael say, "What's your name, pard­ner?"

And the man say, "Where­fore the firetruck you think you is, to axe my name?" And Ja­cob re­alise was well God that was feel­ing him up while they was there wrestling; and he call the place Pe­niel, for he had seen God face-to-face, and you have to axe your­self what "Pe­niel" sound like, and if God re­al­ly an­ti-bat­ty­man in truth.

And that is why the chil­dren of Is­rael doesn't eat sinew that shrank, up­on the hol­low of the thigh, un­to this day: be­caw he, God, touch Is­rael there. (But that don't mean they does eat the rest; is on­ly Catholic does get in­to holy can­ni­bal­ism, and not Ja­cob/Is­rael body and blood, but Je­sus one, but that is a next Bible/Anan­si sto­ry.)

And Esau reach with 400 men and Ja­cob bow him­self to the ground sev­en times be­fore he reach he broth­er, but Esau run up and bus' a big hug on him, and kiss he neck and thing, and axe Ja­cob/Is­rael why he send­ing all them ox and cow. And Ja­cob say, "That is yours be­caw you is the boss-man!"

And Esau say, "Nah, man, I thief enough from you al­ready, keep your thing." But Ja­cob know from long ex­pe­ri­ence how them boss­es does move, and he in­sist and in­sist un­til Esau pre­tend to re­lent and ac­cept the cow and them, which the both of them did know from the start Esau was go­ing and take any­way.

And Esau ride out and Ja­cob jour­ney to Suck Salt, no, wait, Suc­coth, and build a house and a cow-pen and a al­tar, in that or­der, which show that peo­ple does think of God when they wants pro­tec­tion but, when they gone clear, does buy iPhone 6 for $5K be­fore they give $100 in col­lec­tion. And he call the al­tar Elelo­he-Is­rael. Be­caw he come like a next Adam or the first copy­writer and just love to name thing.

n BC Pires is the world's first ag­nos­tic Bible sum­ma cum laude sum­mer-up­per