Reverend Michelle Smith's story is unusual. Maybe a little shocking. She says that she used to be a lesbian. And now, she's not. "I used to be one of those who said that the Bible was ambiguous, because I wanted to justify my lifestyle," she argued. "But God did something to me and I can't deny it." God or no God, Smith's experience certainly doesn't fit the status quo for either side of the fence. In fact she has received serious criticism from the Gay, Lesbian, Transgender and Bisexual community (GLTB), and she's been largely ignored by T&T's versions of the mega-church. Most GLTB believe that if you're gay, you're born gay, and no amount of licks, shock treatment or holy water can change that.
Smith certainly never tried to change during the 26 years she spent as a lesbian. She dressed like a man, worked her way up to being a top dog in Jamaica's drug industry and by all accounts was the life of the gay party. "I loved being a lesbian. I thought I was going to die a lesbian," Smith said honestly. "I never had a problem getting women. I had penis envy; if anybody called me a woman, I would be so upset." A photo of her former incarnation shows her with a butch haircut, grim expression and male clothing. A very different person to the gorgeous-haired, grey-suited, make-up wearing woman she is now. Most women learn to cultivate outward femininity during puberty; Smith is now learning to do it at age 41. But it wasn't her desire to change her gayness that drove her to Christ, she added. It was the fact that no matter how many women she wooed and won, no matter how much money she made, it was never enough to fulfil her.
"I came to Christ at a point in my life where I felt so much emptiness. You keep hoping for a relationship where someone will love you unconditionally, and you're not getting it." And while searching for something to fill that void, she pursued Christianity, with no intention of giving up her lifestyle. Once she began a relationship with Jesus, Smith said, her lesbianism became an issue: not for people in the church, but an issue between her and her God. "He was telling me, 'All or nothing,'" Smith said of her conversion. "I didn't have anything to lose." It's been six years since the Jamaican left the life of a lesbian behind. It's ironic that becoming a Christian and leaving the gay life has brought her more isolation, a harder life materially.
Smith told WomanWise that she'll probably never feel accepted by her mother, or by the crowd, but she's learned to live with that. She used to own six cars; she now takes public transport to get to the secondary schools where she teaches Religious Instruction. There are times that she doesn't know where her next meal is coming from. Some friends in the gay community said she'd be back in five years, and if she was still ruled by the money and the power, maybe she would have been. Others have seen a change in her: where her eyes were cold and steely, her persona gloomy, Smith is now radiant and happy. Her gay friends often encourage her to "keep up the good work" and they tell her constantly how much she has changed. "Yes, you could have a lover beside you, but it's not the same," Smith said when I asked if she'd ever go back to her former lifestyle. "I'm not bothered by six years of not having sex because I've found something that is more than sex. That void within me is now absolutely full. I know how it felt to be bound, and now I know what it's like to be free."
In her book From Lesbianism to Grace, Smith talks graphically about her childhood of neglect, abuse and abandonment by her mother, which she said was the root of her desire for female love. And she detailed her radical spiritual deliverance from homosexuality with the same passion, testifying that she was delivered of forty demons by the Holy Spirit. Sounds fanatical, fantastic? It is, and Smith is either crazy or telling the unbelievable truth when she says that change from homosexuality is possible through Jesus Christ. But when she offered to give her testimony at some well-known full-gospel churches, often she was met with silence. "When will they stand up and not be ashamed to face this thing head on, so that people will be saved?" Smith argued. "When will they get back to the basics of what Jesus Christ was about? He came to seek and save the lost."
Despite the churches' silence, Smith's book has caused a lot of persons dealing with same-sex attraction to come out of the closet and reach out to her for help. They talk to her where they can't speak to their pastor or priest, she said, because she's not afraid to be real. She's been where they are, and she's shining some hope on a way out of their personal darkness. But Smith said that her story is not just for those struggling with same-sex attraction. "The common denominator is sin. It's not about bashing anybody's lifestyle. It's about telling any available ear that God is able, He's real and He just wants a relationship with you. "If you're in the homosexual lifestyle or any lifestyle that opposes God and it's working for you, stay. I can't tell you to stop. But if you feel like you're in hell and you want out, there's hope for you."