A diet is like a war. But sometimes, the people you think should be your allies are the very ones who remove the bullets from your gun and replace them with mini-marshmallows.
Your girlfriends
Your homies always have your back. If you need a new dress for a big event, they'll help you shop. If you can't find the courage to talk to a good-looking guy at a party, they'll poke you in the ribs until you do. Six months later, when you decide he's a fink, your girlfriends will be right behind you when you cut him loose. They'll pep-talk you through those rough patches in your diet, because they're with you 100 percent. Or are they? Sure, they want you to lose weight–as long as you don't get slimmer than they are.
In a society where looks are everything, we women consciously or unconsciously yearn to look as good as, or better than, the rest of our posse. If one of our group suddenly takes on a more slender silhouette and starts styling with a new wardrobe, we'll fight back–with pastries. So as soon as you find yourself approaching your target weight, don't be surprised when the girls urge you to order the tiramisu at the next coffee-shop lime. The solution? Take one bite of the cake, and pass the rest around, because, "Mmm, this is so good, you have to try it!"
Your mother
Apart from guppies, which eat their young, mothers come pre-programmed to take care of their children, and for most women, "take care of" means "feed". For this woman, the repository for all her maternal affection is the hole in the centre of your face. Your mother will start warming up some pie the minute she hears your car pull up. If you visit her and she doesn't try to feed you, call a doctor.
To your mother, your going down a dress size is a sure sign you're terminally ill, and the only way to save you is by plunking down a heaping plate of macaroni and telling you to clean it or else. Your first line of defence is to explain that you are not, in fact, dying, and you actually want to get smaller. Your second is the same strategy you used as a child. When she turns her back, slip your food to the dog.
Your children
This assault on your waistline is innocent, but deadly. Your children aren't trying to fatten you up; they're just being children. And that means eating half their dinner, and leaving bits of cake lying around. And when their hand-maiden (i.e. you) cleans up, you pop the scraps into your mouth rather than waste them. You know, for the sake of all those starving children in China. Don't. Protect your waistline. Throw the scraps away. Or get a dog.
Your man
Even though you were probably a size or two smaller when you guys hooked up, don't assume that your gaining weight is having a negative effect on your man's desire for you. West Indian men like meat – on their plate and on their women. As a matter of fact, your sudden weight loss will probably throw the poor guy into a panic. He's grown used to you being you, and, more importantly, he's grown used to the idea of you being his. As your weight starts to melt away, and you beef up your wardrobe with skimpy, clingy outfits, his dog-and-bone instinct is going to rise. To clarify: he is the dog. You are the bone. And woe be unto any pot-pound sniffing around and admiring the new you.
So when you bare your newly flat midriff, you're thinking, "look at my nice flat tummy," he's thinking, "if any man comes within six feet of you, I'm gonna have to hurt him!" His solution will be to take you to a nice romantic dinner...and stuff you like a Christmas turkey. The only way to solve this problem is to be out front and open. Ask him if your new body makes him feel threatened. Re-assure him that you're still his, and fewer pounds won't change anything between you. Then, the next time he brings you cheesecake, take one bite–and give the rest to your mother. If you're dieting, Roslyn will gladly take any unwanted cheesecake off your hands. Email her at roslyn@scribble-scribble.com to set up a time and place to hand it over.
