RAD­HI­CA DE SIL­VA

Se­nior Mul­ti­me­dia Re­porter

rad­hi­ca.sookraj@guardian.co.tt

The gun used in Mon­day’s mur­der/sui­cide in­volv­ing La Ro­main fa­ther Sharaz Ageemoolar was an il­le­gal one. Ageemoolar had ob­tained the gun to ex­e­cute a hit on his ex-wife, Anis­sa Ra­j­gob­in-Ageemoolar.

Po­lice in­ves­ti­ga­tors said the cou­ple were to­geth­er for 28 years but sev­er­al months ago, Ageemoolar ini­ti­at­ed a di­vorce. What trig­gered the lat­est at­tack re­mains un­cer­tain, as po­lice said there was no pro­tec­tion or­der tak­en out against him al­though her fam­i­ly re­vealed he was abu­sive.

Be­fore he shot her twice, Ageemoolar asked Ra­j­gob­in-Ageemoolar to speak to him out­side the Gen­er­al Ac­ci­dent In­sur­ance of­fice where she went to do busi­ness, but she re­fused. Po­lice al­so de­nied re­ports that she was car­ry­ing pep­per spray.

Set up de-stress cen­tres, men cry­ing out for help—Fee­les

Re­spond­ing to the tragedy, Fa­thers’ As­so­ci­a­tion of T&T pres­i­dent Rhon­dell Fee­les said that of­ten, men face chal­lenges in cop­ing with the af­ter­math of a frac­tured re­la­tion­ship.

He rec­om­mend­ed that de-stress cen­tres be set up in com­mu­ni­ties to of­fer free ther­a­py for men who face dif­fi­cul­ties nav­i­gat­ing the emo­tion­al tur­moil of a bro­ken re­la­tion­ship. Fee­les rec­om­mend­ed ther­a­py specif­i­cal­ly tai­lored for men and pro­grammes to ed­u­cate them on how to go about seek­ing le­gal as­sis­tance or me­di­a­tion when fac­ing di­vorce or re­la­tion­ship chal­lenges.

Say­ing men were cry­ing out for help, Fee­les said un­fair so­ci­etal pres­sures and tox­ic emas­cu­la­tion con­tin­ue to en­snare men.

“This is why rather than seek help, me­di­a­tion or guid­ance, men con­tin­ue to take mat­ters in­to their own hands with dev­as­tat­ing con­se­quences,” he added.

In­still healthy emo­tion­al ex­pres­sion in boys ear­ly—Ma­habir-Wy­att

How­ev­er, Coali­tion Against Do­mes­tic Vi­o­lence founder, Di­ana Ma­habir-Wy­att, said even if these cen­tres ex­ist, men will be hes­i­tant to seek help as they are so­cialised to be­lieve seek­ing help is a form of weak­ness.

Ma­habir-Wy­att em­pha­sised the need to in­stil healthy emo­tion­al ex­pres­sion in boys from a young age. She sug­gest­ed im­ple­ment­ing peer coun­selling pro­grammes in schools as a valu­able tool to fos­ter emo­tion­al com­mu­ni­ca­tion among males.

Ma­habir-Wy­att said men con­tin­ue to take ad­van­tage of women rather than seek­ing pro­fes­sion­al help be­cause they were nev­er trained to deal with dis­cord in a peace­ful man­ner.

Ad­dress men­tal health is­sues —Dr Weller

Clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist and Caribbean ther­a­pist Dr Pe­ter Weller said pre­vent­ing In­ti­mate Part­ner Vi­o­lence (IPV) and part­ner femi­cide re­quires a mul­ti­fac­eted ap­proach that in­cludes ad­dress­ing the psy­chol­o­gy and needs of men in­volved in such sit­u­a­tions.

“We can start with pre­ven­tion ef­forts ear­ly us­ing ed­u­ca­tion­al pro­grammes that teach healthy re­la­tion­ship skills, emo­tion­al reg­u­la­tion, and con­flict res­o­lu­tion to boys and young men. This can help pre­vent the de­vel­op­ment of abu­sive be­hav­iour pat­terns lat­er in life,” Dr Weller said.

He al­so urged a change in gen­der norms and stereo­types that can con­tribute to vi­o­lence.

“En­cour­age men to re­ject tra­di­tion­al no­tions of mas­culin­i­ty that may pro­mote ag­gres­sion and con­trol. Pro­mote emo­tion­al in­tel­li­gence and ef­fec­tive com­mu­ni­ca­tion skills to help men ex­press them­selves non-vi­o­lent­ly and un­der­stand their own emo­tions and the emo­tions of their part­ners,” he said.

Pro­grammes that teach men how to man­age anger and con­flicts in non-vi­o­lent ways, em­pha­sis­ing com­pro­mise and ne­go­ti­a­tion was an­oth­er ap­proach, Dr Weller said.

“We need to ad­dress men­tal health is­sues among men, as un­treat­ed men­tal health con­di­tions can con­tribute to vi­o­lent be­hav­iour. Pro­vide ac­cess to coun­selling and sup­port ser­vices. We must al­so ad­dress sub­stance abuse is­sues, as drugs and al­co­hol can ex­ac­er­bate vi­o­lent ten­den­cies and in­clude sub­stance abuse treat­ment as part of in­ter­ven­tion pro­grammes,” he added.

Look for red flags in men and tox­ic women—Dr Teelucks­ingh

Mean­while, the founder of In­ter­na­tion­al Men’s Day in T&T, Dr Jerome Teelucks­ingh, urged the pub­lic to look for warn­ing signs that show men need des­per­ate and ur­gent help.

“Some of their be­hav­iour pat­terns in­clude abu­sive lan­guage, dis­plays of vi­o­lence and a strong con­trol­ling na­ture. These are red flags in a re­la­tion­ship, and if the girl­friend or wife feels threat­ened, she should im­me­di­ate­ly leave rather than de­cide to give that man a sec­ond chance,” Dr Teelucks­ingh said.

He added, “Many times in the court of pub­lic opin­ion, we have wrong­ly judged men as the rea­son for a break­down in a re­la­tion­ship or mar­riage. The re­al­i­ty is that some­times, the fe­male is guilty of pro­vok­ing the man. A wife or girl­friend with an abu­sive past and suf­fers from men­tal health is­sues could be ver­bal­ly or phys­i­cal­ly abu­sive to the man. And she could be con­stant­ly crit­i­cis­ing or pes­ter­ing him on is­sues of fi­nance, his choice of friends, or wrong­ful­ly ac­cus­ing him of in­fi­deli­ty. Such tox­ic women con­tribute to a ‘pres­sure cook­er’ sit­u­a­tion where the man ex­plodes.”

Need help?

Call 800-SAVE, CADV 627-7273 or Min­istry of So­cial De­vel­op­ment 623–2608; Ext 6300 – 6307 for psy­cho-so­cial sup­port or coun­selling.