Minutes after leaving the Piarco car park, the gentleman in front of you can’t decide if he wants to go right or left so slows down in the middle the “highway” to make up his mind. On Wrightson Road another two gentlemen cut sharply in front, force you to brake, almost hit each other, cuss and speed off.
“Yuh back in Trinidad, pardner”, and you better believe it.
I have driven in every continent except Asia. I learned to drive in Caracas where the driving at one time was considered as bad as that of Rome and Mexico City. We worse! I’ve driven in Mexico, Cuba, Costa Rica, Venezuela, Argentina, Guyana and Suriname. We worse! Barbados. Jamaica. Grenada. St Lucia. Dominica. St. Vincent. Nevis. Name the island. We worse!
USA. UK. Ireland. Northern Ireland. Croatia. Spain. Portugal. Australia. Come again. We worse!
This is the land of strange driving habits. For those of you, new to our town and our country, where getting permission to put up towers in people neighbourhood, is really quite easy (ignore the rules), here are some of them.
When approaching a red light, speed up. If the fellow in front slows down, blow your horn to scare him. When the light changes to green, do not move off for at least fifteen seconds while you check out the chick in the oncoming car, search for your crutch or fiddle with the radio which always changes the tune on the green light. Make irritating noises and ineffectual little hand movements as you search to let everyone know you are blasted vex. Refuse to look at people as they attempt to pass.
If you find yourself in the fast lane, drive slow. Do so especially after you cut in from the slower or left hand lane, or is the right hand lane the fast lane, maybe is the left lane, oui? Once you cut in, brake slowly and reduce your speed so that the cars on the slower lane can pass you. If people blow their horns at you, smile and wave hello. Use the shoulder to pass cars, especially police cars. They are the only police cars in the world with a blind spot just above the left front wheel. Most police officers are colour blind, you can safely go through red lights with them around.
Park anywhere you want. The police only wreck little old ladies who park their cars for five minutes to pick up their pension in St James. Parking on the corner is best. Block the street whilst you get a beastly cold one from the bar on the one way street. Drive real slow if you can’t find a place to park. Sometimes a Martian who has parked his blimp in your street will get an SOS from outer space and have to blast off in a hurry. Make sure your vehicle is at least six feet from the curb so that you won’t fall into the canals, manufactured by multiple electoral pavings, that run along the side of each street, when you exit the bar.
Drive near, near to the car in front. It does make them nervous. Nervous is good, especially when the radio is booming over 80 decibels and you and your car low, low to the ground and all you showing is a little round head with a bebop back to front, dark shades and a gold tooth.
Never drive behind a lady with blue hair or elderly gentlemen with hats and a PB license. Be aware that there are people in T&T who have not realised that we live in the year 2019. Their brains stopped working in 1962 when the speed limit was thirty miles an hour and there were twenty traffic lights in the country.
No one knows what the speed limit is. Opinions vary. Officials query. Be leery. Who knows what a highway is? Be prepared for traffic lights, zebra passes and sudden stops in the middle of what you think is a lovely stretch of highway. Successive PNM governments have demonstrated an affection for traffic lights that borders on insanity. Careful with zebra crossings. No one knows for sure what that means. Better stop and let the people saunter, like striped goat, across the road. Never, never expect traffic lights to be co-ordinated. This one green? For sure the next one just down the road will turn red, as you reach it.
Don’t try to beat it, brother. The system was designed by geniuses. Geniuses of chaos. And more marijuana about to hit the roads!