“I hate my moth­er. She is al­ways an­gry. She does not un­der­stand me. Every day I hate her more and more.”

Rachel’s words cut Kavi­ta deep, worse than the phys­i­cal wounds that Rachel had been in­flict­ing on her­self since the start of this year. Kavi­ta could not be­lieve this was the same child whom she had once cud­dled and pro­tect­ed.

What went wrong?

 Kavi­ta al­ways en­vi­sioned her­self as an ide­al moth­er. It was true she was an­gry and some­times bit­ter but it was be­cause she was al­ways so tired. She usu­al­ly woke up at 4 am to pre­pare both break­fast and lunch for her fam­i­ly. Then af­ter tidy­ing up, she would be­gin her case­loads whilst jug­gling on­line class­es for her younger son.

It was a mam­moth job which she dili­gent­ly per­formed sin­gle-hand­ed­ly with lit­tle rest for her­self. 

Her hus­band was not of much help these days, spend­ing more than eight hours at his con­struc­tion job and a fur­ther three hours every day by his fam­i­ly. 

They had drift­ed apart since the pan­dem­ic start­ed but Kavi­ta be­lieved they were still bet­ter off, as a fam­i­ly. They were both work­ing. Their chil­dren had food, cloth­ing, de­vices for their ed­u­ca­tion and a com­fort­able home. That was un­til she re­alised Rachel was so de­pressed she had start­ed in­flict­ing self-harm.

Kavi­ta re­alised she had been ne­glect­ing her chil­dren emo­tion­al­ly. Her youngest son hard­ly ever spoke.

He seemed to be mor­tal­ly afraid of her. Kavi­ta’s fam­i­ly was in ru­ins. She felt an ab­ject fail­ure as a moth­er. She al­so need­ed help. 

Chil­dren suf­fer­ing even be­fore the pan­dem­ic— 348 re­ports of child abuse for 2021

Ac­cord­ing to da­ta gath­ered by the Chil­dren’s Au­thor­i­ty (CA), be­tween the pe­ri­od May 18, 2015, and Au­gust 31 2021, a to­tal of 35.4 per cent of all abuse oc­curred at the hands of moth­ers.

Fa­thers com­mit­ted 20.1 per cent of abuse.

The study al­so showed that ne­glect ac­count­ed for 33.5 per cent of abuse faced by chil­dren. This was fol­lowed by sex­u­al abuse at 23.3 per cent, phys­i­cal abuse at 15.5 per cent, emo­tion­al abuse at 11.2 per cent, un­su­per­vised chil­dren at 5.9 per cent and moral dan­ger at 3.6 per cent.

Speak­ing ex­clu­sive­ly to Guardian Me­dia, the CA’s As­sess­ment Man­ag­er, Van­dana Siew Sankar-Ali says par­ent­ing has be­come chal­leng­ing dur­ing the pan­dem­ic.

She said based on re­ports in­ves­ti­gat­ed by the au­thor­i­ty, there were sev­er­al types of child ne­glect- phys­i­cal, ed­u­ca­tion­al, emo­tion­al and med­ical.

Phys­i­cal ne­glect is where a child’s ba­sic needs, such as food, cloth­ing or shel­ter, are not met or they aren’t prop­er­ly su­per­vised. Ed­u­ca­tion­al ne­glect oc­curs when a par­ent doesn’t en­sure their child is giv­en an ed­u­ca­tion. Emo­tion­al ne­glect where a child is not val­i­dat­ed or giv­en af­fec­tion and fi­nal­ly there is med­ical ne­glect where the child’s med­ical needs are not met.

“We see chil­dren with se­vere phys­i­cal den­tal con­di­tions and oth­ers not im­mu­nized,” Sankar-Ali ex­plained.

She said some par­ents have their own trau­ma to deal with, adding that a child should nev­er be made to bear the brunt of an adult’s suf­fer­ing.

Sankar-Ali said the CA col­lab­o­rates with non-gov­ern­men­tal, faith-based as well as gov­ern­ment agen­cies to lend sup­port to strug­gling par­ents.

Re­fer­rals are of­ten done but Sankar-Ali said de­mands were great.

“The de­mand for child pro­tec­tion ser­vices far sur­pass­es what any sin­gle agency can pro­vide. That is why we need a col­lab­o­ra­tive ap­proach,” she said.

She al­so called on em­ploy­ers to un­der­stand the chal­lenges be­ing faced by par­ents.

“If a work­er does not have a hap­py fam­i­ly life, this could af­fect pro­duc­tiv­i­ty in the work­place,” she said.

She not­ed that with on­line learn­ing, par­ents had a du­ty to pro­tect their chil­dren from on­line preda­tors.

“Teach your chil­dren about the dan­gers of on­line groom­ing. Both par­ents have a role to ed­u­cate their chil­dren. They should have ap­pro­pri­ate con­ver­sa­tions about body aware­ness, bound­aries, what is an OK touch and what is not. What as­pects of their bod­ies are pri­vate,” Sankar-Ali said.

She not­ed that par­ents al­so have a role in keep­ing the lines of com­mu­ni­ca­tion open so the chil­dren can de­pend on their par­ents for love and sup­port. 

“ You must al­so teach chil­dren re­spect and ap­pro­pri­ate be­hav­iour. Be­come aware of what can hap­pen on­line. Par­ents must make sure that their chil­dren are su­per­vised and can rec­og­nize the dan­gers of on­line groom­ing.

Get­ting help and where to go

In­ves­ti­ga­tion and In­ter­ven­tion Man­ag­er at the Chil­dren’s Au­thor­i­ty Sasha James says get­ting help should not be taboo. She said in­ci­dents of self-harm and sui­cide among chil­dren had been re­port­ed dur­ing the pan­dem­ic, not­ing that the Na­tion­al Fam­i­ly Ser­vices has been of­fer­ing guid­ance to strug­gling par­ents.

“Some par­ents have their own his­to­ry of trau­ma and vi­o­lence and these are passed down to in­ter-gen­er­a­tional cy­cles,” James said. 

Ac­knowl­edg­ing that the pan­dem­ic had up­end­ed fam­i­lies, James said it was im­por­tant for fam­i­lies to band to­geth­er to over­come chal­lenges.

“Chil­dren mod­el what they see. We en­cour­age par­ents to show chil­dren what are healthy in­ter­ac­tions and com­mu­ni­ca­tion styles be­tween par­ents and oth­er rel­a­tives. Chil­dren learn how to be in re­la­tion­ships by look­ing at their par­ents. Show pos­i­tive meth­ods of in­ter­ac­tion,” James said.

She not­ed that the Com­mu­ni­ty Me­di­a­tion Di­vi­sion and many NGO’s al­so pro­vide as­sis­tance with par­ent­ing.

“Lots of these pro­grammes are of­fered vir­tu­al­ly. Par­ents need to know it’s OK to ac­cess these ser­vices and ac­cept help. Par­ent­ing doesn’t come nat­u­ral­ly. Par­ents need skills and sup­port to nav­i­gate these chal­lenges but we have to nor­mal­ize seek­ing pro­fes­sion­al help. There is no harm in seek­ing help. If you want to be a bet­ter par­ent, seek help,” James urged. 

Min­is­ter says Par­ent­ing pro­grammes avail­able

Mean­while, the Min­is­ter of So­cial De­vel­op­ment Don­na Cox says the Na­tion­al Fam­i­ly Ser­vices rec­og­nizes the chal­lenges that par­ents face par­tic­u­lar­ly dur­ing the pan­dem­ic so mul­ti­ple pro­grammes have been rolled out to as­sist.

“We have tak­en in­to ac­count the need for ef­fec­tive par­ent­ing which ad­dress­es val­ues, guid­ance, build­ing self-es­teem and self-worth. It pro­vides sup­port to par­ents and grand­par­ents as a means of build­ing the fab­ric of the fam­i­ly and by ex­ten­sion the so­ci­ety,” she said.

“There is the in­clu­sion of health and well­ness is­sues such as men­tal health and cop­ing with chil­dren with spe­cial needs, ed­u­ca­tion and in­for­ma­tion dis­sem­i­na­tion from ear­ly child­hood for both boys and girls,” she said.

Say­ing that ef­fec­tive par­ent­ing is a fun­da­men­tal in­gre­di­ent to healthy fam­i­ly func­tion­ing, Cox said her min­istry has con­duct­ed a body of qual­i­ta­tive re­search on par­ent­ing over the past two years.

“The min­istry is ac­tive­ly pur­su­ing the re­vi­sion of the Na­tion­al Par­ent­ing Pol­i­cy (Green Pa­per) af­ter ex­ten­sive con­sul­ta­tions with key stake­hold­er groups. In ad­di­tion, the min­istry is cur­rent­ly rolling its Na­tion­al Par­ent­ing and re­cent­ly launched Grand-par­ent­ing Pro­gramme, all of which are de­signed to im­prove the par­ent­ing sit­u­a­tion in T&T,” she added.

Re­solve fam­i­ly con­flict says UWI head of Gen­der

Lec­tur­er and Head of the In­sti­tute for Gen­der and De­vel­op­ment Stud­ies at The Uni­ver­si­ty of the West In­dies Dr Sue Ann Bar­ratt al­so said par­ents must con­tin­ue to sup­port chil­dren de­spite the chal­lenges of the pan­dem­ic.

“Even in the face of mul­ti­ple pres­sures, con­tin­ue to sup­port your chil­dren, be pa­tient with them and un­der­stand that they too live the pres­sures that are so very re­al,” Dr Bar­ratt said.

She added, “ Par­ents should al­so save some space to at­tend to their own men­tal health so that they can be in the best place to sup­port those they nur­ture.”

She al­so agreed that par­ents and chil­dren should not hes­i­tate to seek pro­fes­sion­al help to re­solve is­sues.

 “Due to the con­di­tions of the pan­dem­ic, it is very dif­fi­cult to in­ter­vene in closed set­tings where in­for­ma­tion may not be re­vealed to mem­bers out­side of the house­hold,” she said.

She not­ed that re­solved con­flict could im­prove fam­i­ly life. “Com­mu­ni­cat­ing, shar­ing time, sup­port­ing each oth­er as far as pos­si­ble, cre­ative to­geth­er­ness. That’s spe­cif­ic to the fam­i­ly unit. Where larg­er so­cial/cul­tur­al/eco­nom­ic/po­lit­i­cal fac­tors are con­cerned, some peo­ple are grap­pling with very dif­fi­cult life ex­pe­ri­ences, from mak­ing a liv­ing wage and pro­vid­ing for ba­sic needs, to at­tempt­ing to achieve life goals and ideals for younger and old­er mem­bers, to work/life bal­ance and more,” she added.

This is why fam­i­ly to­geth­er time was im­por­tant. Main­tain­ing peace in the home and hold­ing on to ex­ter­nal sup­port was key to fam­i­ly sta­bil­i­ty.

How to achieve fam­i­ly sta­bil­i­ty

Make Fam­i­ly Time Spe­cial- Al­lo­cate a cer­tain time dur­ing the week where the en­tire fam­i­ly can con­nect and share ex­pe­ri­ences. Do not use this time as an op­por­tu­ni­ty to rep­ri­mand or be neg­a­tive. Use this time to be grate­ful for all your bless­ings.

Par­ents take a break- Parental self-care is im­por­tant. Take care of each oth­er. Share the re­spon­si­bil­i­ties equal­ly.

Make time for fam­i­ly wor­ship- En­gag­ing in faith-based ac­tiv­i­ties to­geth­er so­lid­i­fies the uni­ty of a fam­i­ly. Re­mem­ber the old adage, the fam­i­ly that prays to­geth­er stays to­geth­er.

Do fun ac­tiv­i­ties to­geth­er- Choose an age-ap­pro­pri­ate ac­tiv­i­ty that you can en­joy do­ing with your chil­dren- ex­er­cis­ing, foot­ball, paint­ing, draw­ing, cook­ing a fun meal

Make in­di­vid­ual time for each child- Our chil­dren love feel­ing spe­cial so al­lo­cate time for each of them. A few min­utes of alone time with each child goes a long way in build­ing re­la­tions. Tell chil­dren why they are im­por­tant and spe­cial to you.

Plan and pre­pare- Make an out­line of the chores and re­spon­si­bil­i­ties and pri­or­i­tize every­thing.

Share the chores- Don’t try to do every­thing on your own. Cre­ate a chores sched­ule and let chil­dren help. They need to be giv­en re­spon­si­bil­i­ties.

Sim­pli­fy your life - Make a list of needs and wants and bud­get your spend­ing to re­duce fi­nan­cial stress.

Re­solve Con­flict ear­ly- Keep com­mu­ni­ca­tion flow­ing by deal­ing with is­sues as they crop up.

Av­enues for help

Na­tion­al Fam­i­ly Ser­vices Di­vi­sion - (623-2608 ext.’s 6701-6707)

Fam­i­lies in Ac­tion (628-6333) 

Trinidad and To­ba­go In­no­v­a­tive Par­ent­ing Sup­port (664-1520) 

Fam­i­ly Life Com­mis­sion- ( 299-1047 or 672-4280)