Growing up in religious school environments and a sufficiently religious home and community, I was exposed to the familiar principle of “Do unto others as (I) would have them do unto (me).” I learned, too, that even non-religious people or those who do not read or subscribe to the Bible find this an important tenet.
Still, that learning on its own did not sufficiently prompt me to consider, in every way, giving people what I desire for myself.
Mastering this principle takes time. I still have not achieved it, but I am getting better. It has taken working through healing my mind, which was derailed too early by life’s trauma and infractions, determining first who I am, embracing self-dignity, and then recognising other people’s humanity and need for dignity.
Humility is not an inborn value but a learned virtue necessary for the wholesome expectations of sympathy and empathy in this doctrine. But the negative perception of humility perhaps stems from some kind of association with humiliation, self-deprecation, and self-subjection, rather than its promotion as a valuable aspect of one’s humanity.
Outside of the religious context of humility, I discovered “unselving,” a definition that exists in psychology, philosophy, and literature. I learned that the “unselved” perspective is one that promotes “a reduced focus on oneself, which allows for genuine recognition of other people’s worth and talents.”
We start here today in this series on seeking mental health intervention for oneself or others because, as I was exposed to more scholarship in my earlier days of advocacy, I had to relearn another principle essential to my well-being and the care of others – the right to dignity.
The right to dignity is the fundamental, inalienable human right to be valued, respected, and treated ethically, regardless of status, race, colour, religion, language, gender or any other status. Article 1 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights states: “All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights (www.ohchr.org).
It seeks to ensure that every individual is “treated as an end in themselves rather than a means to an end, protecting against humiliation, inhuman treatment, and degradation.” Without a deep conviction in this right, there is little hope for how we perceive people living openly, whether visibly or invisibly, with mental illnesses.
In addition to knowing and building personal awareness (last week’s instalment), if we are really going to care sincerely for people living with mental ill health, we must recognise theirs and our dignity. As you read what comes next, measure it against a response that upholds the next person’s dignity and self-respect.
Reaching out to someone in mental distress requires a calm, empathetic, and non-judgemental approach, focusing on active listening and creating a safe space rather than attempting to “fix” their problems. One should aim to show you care, reduce any anxiety, and guide the person toward appropriate professional support.
A dignity-focused approach to the person in need:
• Before approaching, check that you are in a safe and secure environment.
• If you can, then choose a quiet, private, and comfortable space to talk, free from distractions.
• Speak in your low voice and be as relaxed as possible. This helps the person to feel secure.
• Start with observations, not accusations. Say, “I’ve noticed you seem down lately, and I am concerned about you.”
• Ask questions that encourage the person to open up. Ask: how are you feeling? What’s been happening lately What’s on your mind?
And listen…wait… be calm and encouraging.
Listening with dignity:
• Suspend your judgement.
• Do not interrupt them, criticise them, or try to diagnose them.
• Validate their feelings rather than try to cheer them up. Use empathy to acknowledge their pain. Say: That sounds really difficult.
• Use silence as respect. It is okay to be quiet while they think or take time to express themselves.
• Avoid fixing; rather, focus on providing support. Do not be quick to offer solutions.
• Normalise the experience by reminding them that many people struggle and it is okay to not be okay.
Uphold dignity:
• Do not be dismissive. Do not tell people to “stop being dramatic” or “girl, you went through worse than that already” or “it’s all in your head.”
• Do not be all-knowing. Do not prescribe anything. Listen!
• Do not share “worse” stories/situations from your life or from other people’s struggles. Now is not the time.
• Do not pressure people to talk if they are not ready, but be present to listen when they are.
Even after decades of advocating and personal struggles with my dignity and identity, I still go through mental calibration to first see dignity and offer calmness to people in need. The teaching that has been most helpful to me is, “Consider others better than yourself.”
Humility is the cornerstone of becoming a safe place/person for others. “Humility, true humility,” says Rabbi Sacks, “is one of the most expansive and life-enhancing of all virtues. It does not mean undervaluing yourself. It means valuing other people (Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks (1948–2020), religious leader and philosopher).
