WomanWise editor Essiba Small, mother of two, review Bringing Up Boys by Dr James Dobson.
If you are a mother of a son or sons, you would have, on more than one occasion, experienced heart tremours after witnessing the death-defying antics of the male child. Welcome to the club of raising boys. It is clich�, we know, but even author James Dobson had to repeat it: Boys will be boys.
He adds too that boys are usually thought to be – although not always – tougher to raise than girls and can be difficult to handle.
Sounds familiar? The best-selling book by Dobson, Bringing Up Boys is a welcome and handy reference book of advice for parents on raising and caring for boys. Mothers too get a bonus to better understand and decode the actions of their male child in our own chapter Mothers and Sons. Much like his syndicated radio programme, Dobson's writing style is conversational and interspersed with statistics, research findings and biblical counsel.
The chairman and founder of the Focus on the Family organisation and also a licensed psychologist and family counsellor, Dobson also tells of his own boyhood days and that of raising his son Ryan.
At the end of every chapter, the doctor answers questions, pertaining to the topic. The difference between boys and girls is more testosterone, he writes.
"It is a facilitator of risk – physical, criminal and personal. Without it the cost of these risks seems to outweigh the benefits. With it caution is thrown to the wind." Dobson also explores the importance of the father in the lives of boys and the fall-out that is caused by the split of two parents. "Boys suffer most from the absence or non-involvement of fathers. "Having never been boys, women often have only a vague notion of how to go about rearing one.
"Boys are therefore the big losers when families splinter."
Dobson's theory as to why boys under-perform academically was quite interesting.
He believes that elementary, or primary schools as we know it, are typically not set up to accommodate the unique needs of boys.
"This advantage is largely unintentional. It is simply the way schools have always functioned." He quoted author William S Pollock who said boys are taught at a tempo that doesn't fit them. "They are taught in a way that makes them feel inadequate, and if they speak up, they are sent to the principal." It is for this reason you may have heard your school-going son complain that the female students in his class seem to be more favoured by their teacher.
The solution then for getting boys to achieve, as Dobson suggests, is not to nag, push, or punish, but to stay as close as possible to the child's school seek, tutorial assistance to help him keep up, and accept the best he can give. When it comes to discliplining boys, a few quiet words spoken with conviction is found to be better than a barrage of empty threats and wild gestures, Dobson writes.
Mind you it is easy to think that the future for boys is a grim one after reading about the challenges they face.
Take heart though, for as Dobson advises, your objective should always be to "transform your sons from immature, flighty youngsters into honest, caring men who will be respectful of women, loyal and faithful in marriage, keepers of commitments, strong and decisive leaders, good workers, and men who are secure in their masculinity."
If this seems like a tall order, he writes, it can all be done with wisdom and guidance from God. "Everything we do during those foundational child-rearing years should be bathed in prayer.
"There is not enough knowledge in the books, not in this one or any other, to secure the outcome of our parenting responsibility without divine help. "It is arrogant to think that we can shepherd our kids safely through the minefields of an increasingly sinful society."