Although last Monday's Budget was typical in containing vague statements and rehashed policies and acne cream, Finance Minister Colm Imbert did manage to present the most bumptious Budget in the history of T&T. Not only that, but Minister Imbert was so bold-faced in his bumptiousness that he even denied being bumptious a mere six paragraphs after he accused nearly half the electorate of being immoral, corrupt and family-oriented.
This showed that Mr Imbert, who is an intelligent man, didn't even believe himself. Naturally, though, he could not let citizens know this. And, although I am not a lip-reader (and, even if I were, would not care to read Colm's lips) I thought I detected him muttering between his lines. In today's column, the sentences in quotes are taken directly from his Budget presentation, while the other sentences are what I thought I saw him say.
"Madam Speaker, the people have spoken."
Well, 66.8 per cent of them spoke.
"On September 7, 2015, the people of Trinidad and Tobago rejected the politics of deception, betrayal, greed, arrogance, waste and mismanagement."
Because none of the 378,447 people who voted PNM did so on the basis of party or ten-days or yam.
"Instead, they voted to reject officially-sanctioned corruption, squandermania, discrimination, immorality, inequality, nepotism and cronyism."
Which, as you know, are only acceptable under a PNM regime.
"At the same time, Madame Speaker, the electorate embraced the values of honesty, integrity in public life, and value for money in public expenditure."
Get it? Get it? Hm. Tough room.
"They asked for impartiality, transparency and sincerity in government."
Which they aren't going to get.
"They asked for equity and prosperity for all. They asked for growth, progress, harmony and social peace."
Which makes six impossible things before breakfast.
"For this honour and privilege I must thank God who is responsible for all things."
Not including the 40 people who were murdered in the month we took office, that was just Satan trying to embarrass us.
"I must also thank the Prime Minister who had sufficient confidence in me to give me the serious responsibility of managing the nation's finances."
Because Rowley knows that, as a white man in the PNM, I haven't a political prayer of undermining him.
"I could easily have resorted to political bacchanal, picong and rhetoric."
My labelling the 353,893 people who didn't vote PNM as greedy and arrogant and racist was just me being me.
"I now wish to make a clarion call to all to rally around our programmes and policies and our Budget theme reflects this vision: Restoring Confidence and Rebuilding Trust: Let's Do This Together."
Except for Hindus and atheists.
"The majority of the population is exhausted with the politics of mamaguy."
So are hopefully too tired to oppose our mamaguyism.
"This Budget Statement will instead, in a clear and sober manner, give a professional, honest and transparent analysis of the true state of the nation."
And, if we follow PNM tradition, that's the first and last time you will see those five adjectives applied in this administration.
"We will aim to be a world-class sporting nation."
So some athlete out of hundreds of athletes will get a medal once every five years and allow us to get some extra votes by giving him a house and land and a park named after him.
"Diversification has become an urgent priority."
As it does after every election for the past 50 years.
"We will ensure that all students have free and easy access in all schools to fast broadband internet and not just laptops. This early use of technology will underpin an expanding knowledge-based society."
Never mind that research in actual knowledge-based societies show that this makes no difference to student learning.
"Violent crime and criminality have hampered our economic progress. Our institutions have been weakened. Our citizens have become disillusioned and our business sector has developed an unhealthy malaise with respect to new investments and confidence in the economy."
Which never happened when crime reached record heights under the 2002-2010 PNM regime.
"Madam Speaker, we will fully integrate sports, culture, language arts and physical education into the education system."
But not science, since that fosters scepticism, irreligiosity and sweet potato fries.
"The curriculum of our schools will be modernised with a view to generating among our young people an adequate appreciation and understanding for the history of Trinidad and Tobago, especially our history since independence in 1962."
Great is the PNM, great is the PNM, and we shall prevail!
�2 Email: kevin.baldeosingh@zoho.com
Kevin Baldeosingh is a professional writer, author of three novels, and co-author of a Caribbean history textbook.?