Between the United National Congress internal elections carded for tomorrow and the West Indies contriving to tie a game they should have won on Tuesday, the "Letters to the Editor" sections of newspapers in T&T have been overflowing. So people have sent their letters to me, knowing I will publish them, which I will certainly do, because I am committed to open and fair discussion on every issue of importance; especially when I make up all the letters myself. (And, just in case they sue me, I confess up front I stole this idea from the editors of the National Lampoon magazine).
Sir
Could you please tell the West Indies cricket team and all seven million West Indians not to bother me any more? I'm fed up of everyone from captain through cook to bottle-washer saying novenas to Me and singing hymns of praise to Me, and seeking My mercy; especially during the batting powerplay. Why is everybody harassing Me so much to help West Indies win? Have West Indians never heard of net firetrucking practice?
God
The Party Stand
Heaven
Sir
Just when you thought we couldn't mix things up any more, after we successfully turned the entire Queen's Park Savannah into a roundabout and then sent everybody heading to Maraval from Kapok Hotel quite Long Circular Mall via Federation Park, we suddenly remembered how many streets we had to firetruck with in Woodbrook.
The Traffic Management Branch
Ministry of Whatever Works
Struggling With Irresponsible
Trini Drivers
Sir
It really had to do with panty lines. Or maybe it had to do with the Concordat. Or maybe it was the importance of defending the glorious Hindu traditions or something. We just want all-you to think that it don't have anything at all to do with letting little Creole into the school.
Sat Maharaj
Still in Charge and Still Charging
Massa Sabha
Sir
My people want me, of course, to contest the post of party chairman, of course. I do not, of course, do it for myself, of course. I have nothing to gain from anything I do for the country, of course. Just as I had earlier given my life to world football, I have now given my life to T&T. Just to make it clear, though, there are no meetings scheduled at the Hyatt.
Austin 'Jack-Slide' Warner
FIFA-Foe-From
Centre of Extravagance
Sir
We never in our wildest fire-trucking dreams thought we'd be nostalgic for George Dubya Bush.
The Republican Party
Candidate Nightmares
United States of Obama
Sir
Might I respectfully suggest that next year's Carnival Soca Monarch competition include, not just million-dollar prizes for the Power Soca and Groovy Soca Monarchs, but another, entirely new million-dollar prize for the Winer-Boy-Who-Was-Too-Young-to-Soca Monarch; and may the best man win, whoever the hell he might turn out to be.
Machel Montano
Chooking Waist for a
Next Million Bucks
Short of Cash
Sir
Whoever says I don't have any ideas for Port-of-Spain obviously ent try parking they car anywhere in Woodbrook recently!
Mayor Louis Leasing-Wreckers
The Parking Lot
City Hall
Sir
My decision to leave the Congress of the People and join the United National Congress had nothing whatever to do with my understanding the cold, hard political reality that the UNC has entirely forsaken all the former People's Partnership partners and is now taking care only of its tribal rump.
But, just of out idle curiosity, how does one go about converting to Hinduism?
Marlene Coudray-Doolahin
Deputy Political Leader To Be
United National Firetruck
the Rest Congress
Sir
Before we reach in the end of the month/ I telling you straight in front/ I could do better than Julian Hunte/ He is just a silly non-achiever.
The Mighty Opportunist
Still in the Rumshop
But Still Hoping for a
Chance in the Tent
Sir
I just want to spread the word, eh, that I'm having a fundraiser for the UNC; I like how they keep attention focused on the shenanigans of the Government, eh.
Calder Hart
Gated Community
with a Dented Gate
Florida
Sir
It really have to do with cultural traditions. Or maybe it have to do with respect for other people belief and thing. Or maybe it have to do with honouring ancient ties with the motherland. We just don't want all-you to think it have anything to do with a setta hardback old men having sex with 12-year-old children.
Sat Maharaj
Cultural Defender
Maha Sutra
Sir
Wait! They could answer we back? What jail is this?
The Police Service Commission
Put Under Manners
While Attempting to Manners
Them White Boys
Sir
Just letting you know that, whenever Ken Gordon gone, I ready to take over the Integrity Commission chairman work. If the priest could play, who is me?
Lawrence Duprey
Florida Penthouse Heights
Clico Depths
n BC Pires is a man of letters. Visit www.BCRaw.com to
read more of his writing