RADHICA DE SILVA
radhica.sookraj@guardian.co.tt
Caught in a web of abuse for 15 years, Paula survived the most horrific beatings from her husband.
She was once thrown out of a window and suffered a broken arm. She was pummelled non-stop until her jaw broke and was often sexually assaulted in the most violent ways.
Once a bubbly career-oriented person, Paula became a shell of herself and over time came to expect that abuse was part of what she deserved. She accepted that the licks were her fault. She was too flirty and so she did not deserve to have friends.
She loved the gifts her abusive husband bought for her so she always forgave him, believing his past made him the monster he became.
“He suffered a lot because of past relationships. But at least he never left me and the children, he always provided for us,” Paula said.
This was why when her abuser suffered a heart attack, she took care of him until his death.
In her mind, she knew she loved him despite his faults and although their relationship was tumultuous, she believed that every relationship had its ups and downs.
Karla, who escaped an abusive relationship said the first time her husband hit her she was shocked. She met and married him after a whirlwind romance. He had been her brother’s friend but strangely enough, he made her stop talking to her family almost immediately after their marriage.
“I did not realise he would be this way. I was in love and I did anything he wanted me to until I realised he needed help,” Karla added.
Unlike Paula, Karla stood up to her husband and reported him to the Penal Police. He then became afraid of hitting her so he began abusing their children instead. He would withhold money, sometimes there would be no food in the house and Karla knew she had to escape for the sake of her children.
During an interview with Guardian Media, Head of the Gender-Based Violence Unit (GBVU), ASP Claire Guy-Alleyne said the stories shared by Paula and Karla were not unusual.
“It is a common trend for the victim to blame herself. Religion also plays a part in this because the scriptures say a woman has to be submissive to her husband. When a wife experiences problems even her family would tell her to stay for the sake of the children,” Guy-Alleyne said.
She said domestic violence was rampant in T&T among the poor as well as the wealthy.
MANY REPORTS, BUT FEW CHARGES
The Gender-Based Violence Unit of the TTPS was launched in January 2020 and since then domestic violence reports have steadily increased.
Giving a breakdown of statistics, Guy-Alleyne said, “There are on average between 217 to 220 reports being made every month but for September the figure decreased to 174.”
She said many times the victim refuses to press charges.
“For the year 2020 the GBVU made 216 arrests with 284 charges being laid before the courts,” she revealed. This means there were no charges arising out of an estimated 1,700 reports.
Guy-Alleyne said the unit had zero tolerance for violence.
For those matters in which the perpetrator was never charged, Guy-Alleyne said the victims still received support.
“At the victim’s request, the investigators would have issued the warnings to the perpetrators to desist from any acts that constitute a domestic violence offence. Parties would have been referred for psychosocial support from the TTPS Victim and Witness Support Unit,” she said.
Guy-Alleyne said the COVID-19 restrictions had put a strain on relationships and this may have contributed to the steady rise.
“Globally we have seen a trend of domestic violence increasing because of COVID and the lockdown. Couples have to spend more time with each other and there is a lot of tension in the house. In Trinidad, we cannot say if the increase in reports were because of COVID or our aggressive educational drive as it relates to domestic violence.”
She said many perpetrators do not realise they have a problem.
“We need more batterer intervention programmes to help the perpetrators. This is what is lacking,” she said. She also noted that there were not enough shelters for battered people.
“My dream is that in every police station division we could set up homes and shelters for a battered woman or a battered man. The system caters towards women and girls, but we also have men who are victims of violence,” she said.
14 women killed for 2020
Guy-Alleyne said for the year 2020, a total of 14 women have been killed arising out of domestic violence disputes. The latest was Reshma Kanchan of Laltoo Trace, Penal, who was almost beheaded allegedly by an estranged lover.
Between 2005 and 2015, the T&T Coalition Against Domestic Violence (TTCADV) reported that 300 women were murdered. In 2017, 43 of the 52 women killed were victims of domestic violence.
Human Rights Activist and founder of TTCADV Diana Mahabir-Wyatt said domestic violence stems from previous experiences of abuse and the need to feel powerful.
“With men, it is the need to control his partner and the need to monitor her comings and goings. He may say she is all he needs to make him happy and when reality intervenes such as the loss of job etc, and she can't make it better, he gets assertive then resentful then aggressive. Usually, the same pattern his father followed,” she said.
She said the behaviour of the female victim is also a learned response usually from childhood.
“When she gets abused she takes it out on the children or him in revenge. High expectations and frustration can do that to narcissists of either gender. Women seldom leave stable relationships, but with narcissists, it will happen when their expectations are not fulfilled,” Mahabir-Wyatt said.
But Independent Senator and Secretary of the Association of Psychiatrists Dr Varma Deyalsingh said anyone can be an abuser.
“They come from all groups, all cultures, all religions, all economic levels, and all backgrounds. They can be your neighbour, your pastor, your friend, your child's teacher, a relative, a co-worker, anyone. It is important to note that the majority of abusers are only violent with their current or past intimate partners. Most abusers have a lot of similar traits irrespective of gender,” he said. He added that an abuser generally has a violent history and may have a bad and unpredictable temper.
“This makes you want to please. You are scared to voice your opinion in case you offend. Only his opinion matters, so you can lose your independence and identity,” Deyalsingh said.
He said if a person becomes suspicious of potentially violence conduct, they should never commit to a relationship before six months.
“Try to get to know family, try to research or reach out to ex-girlfriends and the reasons why they broke up,” he said.
He noted that some abusers may skilfully mask angry, controlling, possessive, jealous, or violent behaviour during courtship. “He has a false dating face so I advise people to look out for certain qualities. When dating observe how he treats his family,” Deyalsingh said.
BOX
RED FLAGS
(Compiled by General Manager of the CADV, Sabrina Mowlah-Baksh)
*The perpetrator always wants to know where you are, constantly messaging, monitoring social media, etc.
*Asks for you to change your clothes and dress more appropriately, polices what you wear, tells you what to wear.
*Belittles you in public, (among friends, family, social media.)
*Does not want anyone else to compliment you, look at you, touch you.
*Does not want you to access education, job.
*Wants to spend every moment with you (does not want you to hang out with friends, family.)
*Wants to know what kinds of conversations you had.
*Tells you that they need you to live.
*Claims to know what's best for you.
*Wants to rush into a relationship, move in with you.
*Blames you for everything (you made me shout at you, you made me hit you.)
*Does not want you to seek advice from anyone (inclusive of the family.)
*Insists on dropping you off and picking you up.
AM I A VICTIM?
*Are you fearful of your partner a large percentage of the time?
*Do you avoid certain topics or spend a lot of time figuring out how to talk about certain topics so that you do not arouse your partner’s negative reaction or anger?
*Do you ever feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
*Do you ever feel so badly about yourself that you think you deserve to be physically hurt?
*Have you lost the love and respect that you once had for your partner?
*Do you sometimes wonder if you are the crazy one, that maybe you are overreacting to your partner’s behaviours?
*Do you sometimes fantasise about ways to kill your partner to get them out of your life?
*Are you afraid that your partner may try to kill you?
*Are you afraid that your partner will try to take your children away from you?
*Do you feel that there is nowhere to turn for help?
*Are you feeling emotionally numb?
*Were you abused as a child, or did you grow up with domestic violence in the household? Does domestic violence seem normal to you?
BOX
AM I A PERPETRATOR?
*Am I prone to violent outbursts?
*Am I overly jealous and possessive?
*Do I equate being a man with aggression?
*Am I unable to problem solve?
*Do I take everything personally?
*Do I prioritise my satisfaction over that of my partner during sex?
*Do I reinforce gender stereotypes?
*Do I see my partner as my property?
*Am I insecure?
*Do I have a high dependence on drugs inclusive of alcohol?
*Do I deny that I have been abusive?
*Do I want to know where my partner is all the time?
*Do I see violence as the only way to solve conflicts?
BOX
SHELTERS
*(Diego Martin) Four Roads Police Community Facility (632-3463)
*(Arima) Nkevah Centre (667-5353)
*(Sangre Grande) Goshen House (battered women and teenage pregnancy) (642-1693)
*(Sangre Grande) Mizapeh Halfway House (668-3897)
*(Chaguanas) Hope Shelter (672-5620)
*(Tobago) Towers Safe House (639-4620)
*(Gasparillo) Halfway House (657-9114)
*(Central) Social Establishment for the Welfare of All (679-4649)
