Fay­ola K J Fras­er

Sin­gle fa­ther­hood is a unique and chal­leng­ing ex­pe­ri­ence that re­quires im­mense ded­i­ca­tion, re­silience, and adapt­abil­i­ty. Un­like tra­di­tion­al fam­i­ly struc­tures, sin­gle fa­thers take on the dual roles of both care­giv­er and provider, of­ten nav­i­gat­ing the com­plex­i­ties of par­ent­ing with­out a part­ner.

This jour­ney can be pro­found­ly re­ward­ing, as it fos­ters a deep bond be­tween fa­ther and child, built on mu­tu­al trust, re­spect, and un­con­di­tion­al love. How­ev­er, it al­so comes with its chal­lenges, in­clud­ing the pres­sures of so­ci­etal ex­pec­ta­tions, fi­nan­cial dif­fi­cul­ties, and the emo­tion­al de­mands of rais­ing chil­dren alone.

De­spite these chal­lenges, many sin­gle fa­thers thrive by build­ing strong sup­port net­works and util­is­ing avail­able re­sources.

In T&T, one such re­source, the Sin­gle Fa­thers As­so­ci­a­tion of Trinidad and To­ba­go, now called the Fa­thers As­so­ci­a­tion of Trinidad and To­ba­go, is led by Rhon­dall Fee­les. Fee­les, who has raised his son as a sin­gle fa­ther, con­cep­tu­alised this or­gan­i­sa­tion to fight for fa­thers over a decade ago.

Thrust in the Fam­i­ly Court to fight for the right to see his son when the child was four years old, he was re­strict­ed ac­cess to him, save for four days per month. “I broke down in tears in the court­room,” Fee­les re­called. “I grew up with a sin­gle mom. I knew the val­ue of fa­ther­hood and want­ed to give that to my child.”

Thus, the as­so­ci­a­tion was born, and Fee­les used his plat­form and the me­dia to high­light is­sues of sin­gle fa­thers. By the time his son was eight, he agreed with his son’s moth­er that he would take him every oth­er week in­stead of four days a month.

That arrange­ment con­tin­ued un­til his son was old­er, and his moth­er left the coun­try to pur­sue fur­ther ed­u­ca­tion, mean­ing that Fee­les took over full-time care.

“Fa­ther­hood is los­ing its val­ue, I’ve heard so many women say they don’t need a man in their life to raise a child.”

While this may be true in some con­texts, Fee­les strong­ly be­lieves that not hav­ing pow­er­ful male men­tor­ship leaves young men vul­ner­a­ble to “the neigh­bour­hood gang leader,” who may seem to have nice cars and big mon­ey, en­tic­ing them to come un­der his wing.

He al­so be­lieves in the im­por­tance of a fa­ther fig­ure for young girls, as to girls. “Dad­dy is love, com­fort, safe­ty, and se­cu­ri­ty. It helps them learn from ear­ly how they should be treat­ed by the op­po­site sex and builds their sense of self-worth and un­der­stand­ing of healthy male-fe­male re­la­tion­ships.”

One such dad, a mem­ber of the as­so­ci­a­tion, and a sin­gle fa­ther, who takes rais­ing smart, kind and strong young women very se­ri­ous­ly, is Ke­ston Eti­enne. Since his twin daugh­ters, Shan­tai and Sheimia were three-and-a-half years old, Eti­enne has raised them pri­mar­i­ly on his own. Now 13 years old, and grow­ing beau­ti­ful­ly in­to tal­ent­ed and well-spo­ken young women, his girls at­tend Bish­op’s Cen­te­nary and are in Form 2. Al­though twins, ac­cord­ing to Eti­enne, “they are very dif­fer­ent. One is se­ri­ous and will de­fend you (Shan­tai) and the oth­er is like a moth­er, nur­tur­ing (Sheimia).”

Thrust in­to rais­ing his daugh­ters on his own, Eti­enne had to learn quick­ly on the job. He grew up in a com­plete­ly dif­fer­ent con­text, with both his par­ents, and his fa­ther had sev­en boys.

“My fa­ther was a tough man, he on­ly had boys and I have in to­tal, four girls. He had to be tough and rough, I had to learn to be gen­tle and soft.”

He, how­ev­er, does not cod­dle his daugh­ters or shield them from the in­for­ma­tion they need to make in­formed de­ci­sions. “I’ve in­stilled val­ues of dis­ci­pline, man­ners, re­spect, loy­al­ty and cour­te­ous­ness in them,” he says. “That is to make sure that when they en­counter peo­ple, peo­ple al­ready know what they’re about.”

In dis­be­lief that it has al­ready been ten years of rais­ing his daugh­ters on his own, he ac­knowl­edged the im­por­tance of hav­ing a strong sup­port sys­tem and vil­lage around them. He made sure that his daugh­ters had moth­er fig­ures they could look up to, aunts and cousins who he could al­so lean on if he need­ed ad­vice or coun­sel on cer­tain as­pects of rais­ing young women.

For ex­am­ple, as the girls have en­tered pu­ber­ty, Eti­enne has made it a pri­or­i­ty to be re­spect­ful and un­der­stand­ing of them and ed­u­cate him­self about the dif­fer­ent ex­pe­ri­ences that they are hav­ing.

He has en­rolled them in the En­to­to Foun­da­tion, a com­mu­ni­ty de­vel­op­ment pro­gramme based in La Puer­ta Gov­ern­ment Pri­ma­ry School in Diego Mar­tin, a holis­tic pro­gramme, where the girls have pos­i­tive role mod­els, learn man­ners, re­spect for their el­ders and dis­ci­pline, along with danc­ing, drums, steel­pan, ta­ble ten­nis and crick­et. One of the twins has re­cent­ly tak­en up cro­chet­ing, with which her dad sup­ports her by buy­ing all the yarn she needs, and she gleams with joy show­ing off her beau­ti­ful pieces. “Twins? It’s not an easy road,” Eti­enne laughs. “But I wouldn’t give it up for noth­ing.” De­scrib­ing the unique ex­pe­ri­ence of hav­ing twins, he said that every­thing has to be bought in pairs, and as they have de­vel­oped their own likes and dis­likes, he of­ten has to stop in two food places to sat­is­fy each daugh­ter.

He ad­vised fa­thers who are rais­ing chil­dren with or with­out a part­ner to “do the best you can and noth­ing less. Leave your­self out, make them feel the sup­port, give them con­fi­dence and in­spi­ra­tion whole­heart­ed­ly.”

He em­pha­sised that men who try to run from do­ing the right thing of­ten end up get­ting a se­ri­ous re­al­i­ty check at some point. Shan­tai and Sheimia adore their dad, both de­scrib­ing him as “strong-willed and hard-work­ing, he loves to give and help. It’s fun be­ing with dad.”

Eti­enne sees them as fu­ture schol­ar­ship win­ners, both with the abil­i­ty, in­tel­li­gence and mind­set re­quired to achieve ex­cel­lence in their ed­u­ca­tion. And he is there to sup­port them all the way.

As for what he wants for Fa­ther’s Day? He smiles, and sig­nals to his daugh­ters, “Jah done bless me with every­thing I need.”